This year I turned 44 and for some reason, it’s been a particular hard year for me. Maybe it’s because I’m one step closer to 45, or maybe it’s because I am going to have to leave the younger half of my forties behind next year.I know 30 didn’t bother me at all, and I didn’t blink an eye at 40.
Have you had an age that was hard for you to get through or you had a hard time with? Who knows? But,for some reason it put me in a funk from January until this weekend, when I finally pulled my head out of the sand.
I visited a very good friend, who I had missed very much. And the thing is, I can’t say anything earth-shattering happened,there were no wild parties or major epiphanies, but it gave me time to slow down and reflect and see a few things more clearly.
We’ve had a lot of stressful family things go on this year with aging parents, and teenage stuff, and then regular life. But it was enough to feel like we were just trying to get through on survival mode. And I have to be honest, a lot of it for me was just feeling like I didn’t have a clear path or focus set out in front of me, which was making me feel not only restless, but listless. I’ve always had my hands in a lot of different pies, I think you have to as an artist and blogger, but there has been a desire deep inside of me to really grab something meaty to really aim my focus on.
This weekend, really gave me the chance to let all of those things go for a short period of time and to realize I don’t have to have one clear focus right now. That maybe I have to be patient and to understand that while I am not as young as I used to be, it ain’t over until it’s over. I really think lately, I had been counting myself out and I am not sure why. It’s hard to watch other people have successes that you wish you had, and wish for different than where you are supposed to be. Social media can be a very bad thing sometimes.Maybe it’s OK to say, you know what, things aren’t okay right now, I’m not super happy about turning 44, but I can’t count myself out yet,I still have a lot left to do and be grateful for.
The thing is, it made me realize I have to put my big girl panties on and suck it up a bit. I need to stop moping around and just get to work. Because if I can read that these people hit their greatest success after 40.
I think it’s very easy sometimes to get sucked into these fake conversations in our head about what’s real and what’s not. It’s easy to build up these things about what we think we are supposed to be doing, opposed to what we really are doing. I think a break and a fresh outlook can do a lot. I know it helped me with a new perspective.
And maybe I need to stop complaining about it, and get to it.