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It’s not over until it’s over.

This year I turned 44 and for some reason, it’s been a particular hard year for me. Maybe it’s because I’m one step closer to 45, or maybe it’s because I am going to have to leave the younger half of my forties behind next year.I know 30 didn’t bother me at all, and I didn’t blink an eye at 40.

Essay on it's not over until it's over

Have you had an age that was hard for you to get through or you had a hard time with? Who knows? But,for some reason it put me in a funk from January until this weekend, when I finally pulled my head out of the sand.

Me in the mountains

I visited a very good friend, who I had missed very much. And the thing is, I can’t say anything earth-shattering happened,there were no wild parties or major epiphanies, but it gave me time to slow down and reflect and see a few things more clearly.

Colorado mountains

We’ve had a lot of stressful family things go on this year with aging parents, and teenage stuff, and then regular life. But it was enough to feel like we were just trying to get through on survival mode. And I have to be honest, a lot of it for me  was just feeling like I didn’t have a clear path or focus set out in front of me, which was making me feel not only restless, but listless. I’ve always had my hands in a lot of different pies, I think you have to as an artist and blogger, but there has been a desire deep inside of me to really grab something meaty to really aim my focus on.

colorado butte

This weekend, really gave me the chance to let all of those things go for a short period of time and to realize I don’t have to have one clear focus right now. That maybe I have to be patient and to understand that while I am not as young as I used to be, it ain’t over until it’s over. I really think lately, I had been counting myself out and I am not sure why. It’s hard to watch other people have successes that you wish you had, and wish for different than where you are supposed to be. Social media can be a very bad thing sometimes.Maybe it’s OK to say, you know what, things aren’t okay right now, I’m not super happy about turning 44, but I can’t count myself out yet,I still have a lot left to do and be grateful for.

The thing is, it made me realize I have to put my big girl panties on and suck it up a bit. I need to stop moping around and just get to work.  Because if I can read that these people hit their greatest success after 40.

I think it’s very easy sometimes to get sucked into these fake conversations in our head about what’s real and what’s not. It’s easy to build up these things about what we think we are supposed to be doing, opposed to what we really are doing. I think  a break and a fresh outlook can do a lot. I know it helped me with a new perspective.

And maybe I need to stop complaining about it, and get to it.

Jen signature


  1. My worst birthdays were 36 and 52. No rhyme no reason. With 3 kids and life in general, it was easy to get overwhelmed. Take time for yourself. I spent alot of time making myself say my thank yous in evening prayers rather than laying it all out in a messy pile every night and then trying to sleep. Now don’t think that He didn’t hear my complaints, just not at night when I needed to focus on the positive. Good luck!

  2. You read my thoughts and put them beautifully into words. Turning 50 has put me in a funk that I am having a hard time overcoming. I think their is strength in finding out you are not alone in your feelings

  3. I completely get it! I’m 44 and life has been changing around here. I realize I can’t shelter my 13 year old anymore, my 9 year old is growing too fast, and my changing hormones have left me with a body I never thought I’d have no matter how much I work out. Tides are turning but I’m ready for what the next years will bring.

  4. Turning 50 has def in Oct has def been a struggle, esp since I feel like I’m still trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing. The biggest obstacle is the lack of time! I can’t seem to find enough time to just stop and think and do what I really want to do… and yes, comparison messes with us! You spoke truth when you said; It’s easy to build up these things about what we think we are supposed to be doing, opposed to what we really are doing.

  5. Thank you for this inspiring post. You are who I consider a very successful blogger. Someone I look up to in the blogging world. I feel I am spinning my wheels sometimes with my blog and page views. But, it is my outlet and having a stressful full time job I really need this for my sanity! Your post made me realize I too need to put on my big girl panties! Have a great day!

  6. Hang in there! I actually miss my 40’s! I think it was my greatest decade. Ah well. Unfortunately I’ve been ‘counting myself out’ since I turned 50. Its terrible. And I really do need to get out of my own personal funk. I mean, really, to quote Monty Python “I’m not dead yet” and yet I’m acting like I’m marching towards death door! Thanks for making me think and reminding me that I still have a lot to offer the world!

    🙂 Linda

  7. 44 was harder for me than 45…and 49 was worse than 50. I go through the same phases, I think that we all do. It’s great that you got a much needed break and had a chance to rest and “reset”. Hugs to you.

  8. I feel ya Jennifer! You are kinda in a state of loss. Turning 40 didn’t bother me either and 41 this year was not a big deal. I have been in a state as well with the boys growing up and the parents aging on top of us talking about moving or not moving for the last three years. I just felt misplaced with no sense of direction like you . It is a horrible feeling. You try to get excited about things but doesn’t last for very long. Sending hugs your way!

  9. Oh I’m so right there with you Jen. Last year was just…. Wow. Amazing. Awful. Stressful. Relentless. Wonderful. Crazy. I’m just now catching up on life and other responsibilities and this year is almost halfway over. I completely understand those feelings you’re having and agree that social media is our enemy in times like those. But you’re right. It ain’t over yet. Love you and this post.

  10. My “fall down” year was 50!!!! I I felt totally lost…..no direction…no dreams! My family chose to surprise me that year….it was so depressing for me. All my friends had a wonderful time while I just wanted to go to my room and stay there. Thought I’d never sake it off. Survived it though….now 70!

  11. In the end, cyber world really doesn’t matter. Family matters. Comparison is the thief of joy. Keep your chin up. I’m 47 going on 48, feeling it too…the whole closure to 50 thing is freaking me out!

  12. I turned 50 this year and I’m getting married to a wonderful man in less than 1 month. A few weeks ago, it hit me! I have spent the last 16 years (since my divorce) taking care of everyone but ME! I cancelled all my major commitments this month to focus on me. I was over weight, out of shape, and ragged! That is no way to go into a marriage! Since making the decision to do that, I feel better, I AM better! My focus for my business, my future, and my goals have returned. It isn’t easy to tell others no, but it didn’t take long to realize it was the best decision for everyone! You deserve to take time to focus on you! Everyone will benefit!

  13. The rhythms of life are often hard to dance to. The music that is playing or SUPPOSED TO BE playing at a certain age or certain life event I have found is often different from what I expected it to be. And that differential from expectation is what is most alarming and challenging for me. I am learning to dance none the less, even if it is to a different beat than what I expected–learning to listen and not fight the rhythm I am in.

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