I’ve found with Easter weekend coming, I’ve been a little more thoughtful than normal. Maybe it’s because I am still in recovery mode, and the normal racing around isn’t on the agenda. It’s given me much more time to sit and think about my faith.
I am currently reading two of Lysa Terkerust’s books: What happens when women say yes to God, for myself, and What happens when women walk in faith, as the co-leader of my women’s group.Both are amazing books and have really given me food for really deep thought.
Both books talk a lot about trusting God. All. of. the. time. About saying yes to God no matter what, and letting him lead your life because he knows the big picture. I always thought to myself, I do pretty good in that part. I think, “Hey,I am pretty good about letting God take the helm.”
But, as I sat and read, it made me realize something about myself. I am very,very good at completely letting God take control of all of the bad stuff in my life. When it gets to be a tough and bumpy road, I have no problem getting on my knees to call out to him, and I am the first person when the crap hits the fan to say, “God has always come through for us, there’s a plan.” and I feel strong enough to just let it go into his hands.
On the flip side, when things are really rocking, and going really well. I try every time to turn to God with a thankful and gracious heart and offer up praise, and acknowledge that everything we have is because of him.
What I really suck at is the in-between times. I am not a patient person by nature.
When nothing is happening, when I have no direction,when it’s the every day, I can feel a sense of mounting frustration.
I want answers here and now. I am at my best when I am busy. I have been through months of unbusy-ness, and I had thought by now I would be rocking and rolling. Instead the time has started to stretch out in a state of waiting. The hardest thing is having the world pass by in front of you while you sit and watch it go. And with social media, that is very easy to do.
It’s the inertia and the waiting that make me crazy.
I start to get anxious and start to question. I worry about the next thing. “Is it going to be good or bad? Is something going to happen? Is nothing going to happen? What’s going to happen next? What if nothing ever happens again?” I start to worry about if there is going to be more, or a next or if this is it.
Not very trusting, huh?
Like I said I am really bad at it.
So much for “God has a plan.”
Two weeks into my recovery, hubby herniated a disc in his neck and couldn’t move his arm. No joke. I can’t make this up. In the mean time, my lower back started acting up, which it never had before, and suddenly I had sciatica. All of a sudden there was all of this weird in-between time where neither one of us could lift over 10 pounds, we were trading off who took what pain medicine what night so one of us was sensible for the kids and they still had everyday life.And the rest of the world went on. We had all of this uncertainty, nothing was happening, there was nothing either one of us could do, and we were at a stand still just waiting for whatever came next, and it wasn’t so bad I felt like I was desperate to cry out. But in itself, it was excruciating.
We were at the full mercy of trust.
And with startling clarity I realized. That was something that God is trying to groom out of me. I can’t just trust when it’s really good, or really bad and say I am committed. It has to be for all time, with my whole heart. Even the impatient times when waiting is the hardest part. Even the boring times when the quiet could make me scream, and even the uncertain times when there seems to be no answer in sight.
And he knows I totally blow at that.
I know I don’t talk too much about my faith here, but I just felt it on my heart to share with you.
It just makes me so humbled going into this weekend about how much we are loved and how much love involves trust. And how much work that still needs to happen with in me and how incomplete I am.
The whole thing made me realize that everything I need for right now, I have right now. And that’s all I need. Not what’s next, not tomorrow. Today.
And it makes me thankful for a God who loves us so much that he holds us in the palm of His hands and all we have to do is let Him do it.
I wanted to share this video of Joanna Gaines with you. I lover her show Fixer Upper and and I love her design style even more, but I also love her heart for God and her faith and experience with God’s plan for her life. I hope you find this as inspiring as I do.